The Physicality Of It All

by xcannedx

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Over the years I seemed to have put the physical side effects of anxiety aside, as well as the side effects of medication.  I think that I’ve been solely concentration on the emotional and mental aspects of panic and anxiety that I forgot it can cause some serious effects on my physical self.

I’ve always been aware of what I feel when I’m in the midst of a panic attack – the nausea, the sweating, the palpitations – but I’ve neglected what happens to my body outside of an actual attack, between attacks, the toll it can take on yourself.  I’m currently dealing with a good example of this issue.

Last week when I took my newest dosage I had a plethora of physical and emotional side effects within a few hours of taking it.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on and why I was so sick within a small amount of time. I thought my body was used to the chemicals in my body and I could just up the dose and continue about my business.

I was wrong.

The next day, after my last entry, I was advised to take them on a full stomach.  Of course! How could I have forgotten such a basic rule? But, uh oh… I am never hungry in the mornings. Now that I switched to taking my medication in the morning instead of at night (um, hello insomnia?) I am currently experiencing heightened anxiety in the morning.  And now you want me to eat? Oh boy.

That eased some of the bad effects but now I’m really dreading having to force feed myself enough food every morning in order to take these pills.  If I could get away with just a piece of toast I think I’d be alright, but that is definitely not enough to pad my stomach.

As I write, I’m taking in a spoonful of oatmeal per paragraph.

Since the change I’ve become hypersensitive to every change in how I feel. Is it from the medication?  Did I eat something bad? Am I just tired? Should I have eaten more? Did I feel this way before and just didn’t notice? Am I getting better yet?

I suppose my next step is to accept that I’m going to feel different, and it too shall pass.

Maybe I’ll have to work hard at… not working hard. But what does that look like? What does that feel like? How will I know?

The cycle continues.

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