I’m Not “Crazy”

by xcannedx

Well, I am.  But… not exactly.

Other than the times that I’m having a full on panic attack, and even then it’s a little blurred, 99% of the people I come into contact with have no idea that anything is possibly a little different with me.  I get up in the morning and get dressed.  I go to work.  I get my work done. I socialize – albeit a little less frequently than the average person. I have hobbies and interests.  I maintain relationships of different levels with others.  I’m a functioning human being.  The only difference is that it is rather exhausting.  It takes concentration and effort to stay calm and collected.  It takes energy to keep your emotions rational and in check.

If I’m having a panic attack I am Houdini and will disappear without you even noticing.  Over the years I have learned when I’ve reached my limit of tolerance and when I need to leave public spaces.  Every once in awhile I test myself and stay 5 minutes longer to see if I can win the fight.

I’ve struggled with the idea of making this blog public or anonymous.

We now live in a world is easy access to personal information.  Social media.  Anyone can look me up and see my footprint in the World Wide Web.

I believe being silent about a subject that affects millions is counterproductive.  I believe that being silent is what prolongs recovery. Being embarrassed fuels the anxiety further.  I can’t tell you of one single panic attack that I have had where I have not felt embarrassed and disappointed with myself.  And why should I be? Aren’t there millions of others who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks?  Oh right, it’s because it’s a mental affliction therefore a bad thing.  And we don’t talk about bad things, right?  ESPECIALLY things that make us seem weak? Funny how that is.

I don’t believe in suffering in silence.  We all deserve peace of mind.  And the only way we can begin to achieve that is to speak up and share with each other our experiences, our lessons and our opinions.  Not only can we learn from our own achievements and mistakes, we can also learn from others.

So, I ask you – Should I stay public and be ME or should I chose to go anonymous?