I did it.
This morning, I woke up and went on pilot mode. It’s the only mode I know when I have an upcoming, stressful event. I can only do as much as the bare minimum; get dressed, wash face, fix hair and maybe eat a granola bar. Anything else is too much to handle.
As much as I wanted that morning coffee, I didn’t. And, man oh man, I sure do miss that first coffee of the day. I digress.
This morning went as I had expected. I took some medication in the car on the way over. I checked into pre-op while fully telling myself “I want to leave now,” the entire time. I filled out paper work and was quickly called back for pre-op tests, pokes and prods.
Then I waited. A long time. I had a beautiful view of the previous night’s snowstorm. However, it didn’t come close to halting my fears. As the time drew closer to 10:00 A.M. the worse I got.
(If only you could see the frantic texts I sent my partner. And, no, I will not be screenshotting that)
The surgery was pushed to 10:30, and then 10:45…
The anesthesiologist finally popped in to chat. I told him about my previous experiences with general anesthesia. He gave me the option of general anesthetic or doing local anesthetic but with some general. He said he thought I would do better with the former . I said I respected his opinion but I felt I needed to go with the second option. I know my body, I know how I react and it was worth trying.
Other than some uncontrollable shaking from the spinal block, I managed to get through it and keep calm… well, calm enough. I don’t really remember much either which is also good, I suppose.
While I felt very nervous going against the doctor’s original orders, I’m happy that I found a voice – albeit small.
Even though I really wanted to face my general aesthetic fears today, I think that it was still a win for me.
Surgery: 4 – Candace: 1